Thursday, August 2, 2012


As B-movie legend Fred Olen Ray has been quoted as saying, "Nudity is the cheapest special effect." Guys (and some gals) just love looking at bare boobs. And no film genre has benefited more from that fact (well, except porn) than the teen sex comedy. Case in point, BIKINI SPRING BREAK (2012), the latest skinful release from the schlockmeisters at The Asylum (and I use "schlockmeister" in the most affectionate and respectful of manner).

The premise of BIKINI SPRING BREAK (it's not nearly well-developed enough to be considered a "plot") is that a group of  nubile young Band Camp musicians qualify for Nationals (where have I heard that before?), and pile into a schoolbus to make the trip, under the supervision of their counsellor, Gill (Robert Carradine, REVENGE OF THE NERDS, THE LONG RIDERS, CANNONBALL). The bus breaks down in Ft. Lauderdale, Forida, during Spring Break (Wait... Band Camp in the Spring? Is that how it works?), and the girls, well, go wild. The remaining running time is comprised of wet tee-shirt contests, Jello wrestling, soapy car-washing, and all the usual staples of the "genre."

Directed by Jared Cohn (BORN BAD), from a screenplay co-written by Asylum script machine Naomi L. Selfman (18-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN, #1 CHEERLEADER CAMP, MEGA SHARK VS. CROCOSAURUS, et al), this flesh-filled romp is decidedly lowbrow entertainment that literally offers nothing but boobies (and butts) to ogle. Now, that's not in and of itself a bad thing, but even finely-turned teenaged limbs and firm, natural breasts can eventually get boring. No, it's true. The teen sexploitation epics of earlier years, like SPRING BREAK, SCREWBALLS, HARDBODIES and even LOOSE SCREWS, at least offered likable characters and some semblance of a story - as superficial and trivial, respectively, as they might be. All this one provides is a bunch of bubble-headed (and -bodied) bimbettes and a loosely connected string of standard "sexy" scenarios.

For some viewers, that may well be enough. But as much as I enjoyed looking at the young ladies (and I did), I was, perhaps naively, hoping for some actual humor from the so-billed "comedy." Aside from a few deftly-delivered throwaway lines from Carradine (who only shows up on screen intermittently), I'm hard-pressed to remember anything particularly funny in the dialogue or situations.

As with all Asylum flicks shot on high-def video, the DVD presentation is stellar, with a crystal-clear, rock-solid, sparkling 1.78:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer that satisfactorily showcases every glistening drop of water on suntanned skin. Audio is 5.1 Surround, and The Asylum provides their usual "Making Of" featurette, gag reel, and trailer gallery.

Ultimately, it's a T&A video called BIKINI SPRING BREAK. It will find its audience, regardless of whether I thought it was good movie or not. Thing is, I've liked some of the studio's other teen comedies, and was maybe expecting a little more effort from the filmmakers. I can't really recommend it, but I'm betting that from the description above, you know enough to know if you want to rent it....

BUY: Bikini Spring Break